Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Expiration Notice

There's no way to put this blog into context without beginning with a horrible confession...which I will, as is my tendency, immediately clarify and caveat -- a lot. Ok...here goes:

I have a...er...license(?!)...to hock cosmetics.

Anyone that actually knows me should find this bit of information something like hilarious because I'm totally not the type. I mean, yes...I wear make-up every day, but it's a once-and-done thing for me. I'm girlie for an hour in the morning, and then I'm pretty much over it for the rest of the day. I'm not an obsessive nose powderer...I don't redo anything unless I've got some kind of evening event. I'm just not that girl.

But years ago in a former career, I started getting visited by a Cosmetic Lady...and I was too polite (and bound by the job) to turn her away. So I gave in...I hosted the party...I bought the stuff...and I liked it just fine.

As these things go, I was eventually presented with the Deal of a Lifetime! For a mere $50 (a half-priced desparation discount), I could become my very own Cosmetic Lady and get theoretically rich helping other women on the path to attaining gorgeousness...

Or, the way I actually heard it, I could order my stuff at half price as long as I ordered once a year and spent a minimum amount. No more visits. Sweet! Where do I sign up?

So I'm now part of some regional group...and periodically the director or one of her well-adorned minions will call to encourage me to Live the Dream, or somesuch thing...and I always tell them no, thanks, I'm just not that girl. And once a year, I get a letter telling me that it's time to order (*cue ominous music*).

Finally: le point de la blog -- the annual expiration notice. It's so freakin' hilarious the way this thing is worded that I'm going to type it in here verbatim...random capitalization for random capitalization...word for word...lack of comma for lack of gleaming comma. I'll only edit out the name of the company out of respect for those who do manage to earn their living this way...and good for them! It's just not the Dream for me...because why? Right. I'm just not that girl.

Besides...le point de la blog is much less about the cosmetic hocking itself and much, much more about the fact that the way this thing is phrased generates copious fits of giggling out of me...every year...because I assure you: I'm very much THAT girl. :)


Dear MyName,

I sure hope this letter finds you doing Great! Can you believe it has been 11 months since you joined CosmeticCompany and I'm sure you may or may not remember that in order to stay a CostmeticCompanyLady you must order at least one order totaling $200 at least once a year. You are expiring as of March 31, 2006.

I realize a few distinct truths about your CosmeticCompany experience-maybe you never got off to a good start, maybe you started but hit some frustrating or disappointing road blocks, maybe you only intended to shop for personal and family use, or maybe I let you down in some way. If any of the blame falls on me-I want to sincerely apologize and I want to reassure you that I work daily to improve and refine my training and support systems and I would be so honored to have another chance to support you in your dreams.

Let me ask you-did you have a Dream, a hope for a better future, financial security, more quality family time, or personal growth? Were any of those your reasons for purchasing a showcase? If you did have a dream, let's see it through. All you need to do is let me know that you'd like to make a fresh start. If none of that is relevant to you, then I hope you will enjoy shopping wholesale.

A Unit is UNI Together. I look forward to talking with you soon. You are truly important to me. I just know that you won't want to throw away that $100 that you invested to do CosmeticCompany. Let's get your order together and keep you going in the Great Career.



...you know, I tried...but I can't even follow that up with something appropriately witty. I mean... just... *snort*

I'm just going to go giggle some more...and look through my CosmeticCompany catalog. I'd sure hate to expire in a month...life's way too much fun!


towwas said...

OMG, dude. Do they seriously write CosmeticCompanyLady as one word? Because if they do, that's too cool.

And I would like to note, because it makes me feel that I'm in the know, that I already knew this about you. In fact, not long ago I was reading a website devoted to women who had been sucked in by CosmeticCompany, hate it, and think it's evil, and I thought of you.

I hope you don't expire next month. I like having you around.

I Blog, You Blog said...

Nah...that's totally me writing CosmeticCompanyLady as one word. I didn't feel like I could publish her actual name... That would be wrong on some level. :P

In fairness, you know many of my littler-known secrets. It's a friend thing.

And I like having you back!!! Welcome back!!! :)

towwas said...

Oh I get it. I thought it was a generic (where you wrote it in the first paragraph).

J.Bro said...

If it's the same CosmeticCompany that I'm thinking of, my wife had a good friend that started CosmeticHocking when they were in college. It was cool at first, from what I hear, because, y'know - cheap stuff. FormerFriend really went gung-ho after graduation, though - like earning the special car gung-ho. Now my wife doesn't even like to talk to her because she says it's like a constant subtle sales pitch.

I Blog, You Blog said...

I've had my license to hock for a good 7 years now and I've never actually used it for evil... Just because someone hands me a little vial of pink kool-aid doesn't mean I have to drink it.... :D

miss shirley said...

My friend gave my name to her CosmeticCompanyLady and the CCL emailed me obsessively. She sent me samples, and called me on the phone almost everyday. I told her I didn't really like the samples, (which I actually tried), and she got really offended and essentially called me a liar. She had never met me and she kept telling me that she could cure my "problem skin" and that I should stop resisting the answer to my problems. Uhm...good sales pitch.

Thankfully the friend who gave her my info, who is completely sucked into the CosmeticCompany, has been my friend for more than 20 years so I just called her up and told her to tell the CosmeticCompanyLady to back off.

I am happy you are the giggle-girl, and not the seller-girl.