Monday, April 06, 2009

How To Eat

While there is a certain novelty to going several days without food, it quickly wears off when you realize you're really freakin' HUNGRY! And yes, ok, it hurts to swallow the spit in my mouth...much less some food thing, but still... A girl's gotta eat!

So here, gentle readers, is my Girl's Guide To Getting Your Grub On With Strep...

1. Take 800 mg of ibuprofen. Do not worry: this is a legal dose! Theoretically, this legal dosage should only be taken 4 times a day...but where does a "day" really start and stop anyway?

2. Wait 20 minutes. This gives the ibuprofen time to work its magic of taking the swelling down by enough of a fractional increment that food might be able to pass without making you double over in regret.

3. Choose a food. DO NOT fall for the kid-trap of thinking ice cream will do. Ice cream will taste awesome going down...the smooth delicious coldness will make your tonsils orgasm in delight...but there is no amount of coyote ugly to fix the aftermath. That sweet nectar going down leaves an ooze trail of milky, syrupy goo that you will not be able to swallow and will later gag on...along with a whole lot of other stuff that shouldn't be mentioned in an article about food. Steer clear of the really sugary stuff and go for something at least a little cleaner. I personally recommend steel cut oats. Tons of fiber and protein, slow burning (because goodness knows you won't want to do this more times in a day than is absolutely necessary), and somewhat soft enough to choke through the teeny opening in the back of your throat.

4. Get a LARGE glass of cold water. The water will be critical in making those last little bits of whatever go down the hatch...and the coldness feels gooooood.

5. Chew. I know, this sounds like a foregone conclusion, but you gotta chew like you've never chewed before. Chew like your life depends on it! The more you chew, the less you'll have to worry about that one bit of thing that's stuck on the uvula. And yes, I know that's what the water's for, but still...chew it up and thank me later.

6. Alternate water and food. Take a bite...force it down...rinse it all the way through...then start again. It may take you an hour to get through that bowl of oatmeal but consider it a victory! That's an hour of being upright AND putting some little bit of nourishment in your body. If nothing else, the food will provide a little something for the massive cocktail of strep-fighting drugs to play with down there.

And now you can congratulate yourself! You just ate a meal. Sure, it hurt and it took forever and there was absolutely no pleasure derived from the experience...but it's progress. And let's face it: you've got absolutely nothing better to do. While you're sitting around doing nothing waiting for the namby-pamby penicillin to do it's thing, you can dream about all the amazing stuff you're going to cook when you feel slightly less like a knife-swallowing circus act.

See? Always a bright side...

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