At some point, a whole lot of years before now, I
constructed a method of determining my value to the world.
Given the simplicity of the approach, I’d say
I created it during my adolescence…and, like many childhood habits, it stuck.
The system was easy and probably seemed quite
rational at the time.
If I’d had the
vocabulary to be pithy back then, I might have titled it something like, “What
can be counted counts!”
I basically
figured out how to quantify and evaluate the things that make me who I am to
determine whether or not I was “good”…
- I could quantify “smart”…by good grades and positive
feedback from teachers.
- I could quantify “nice”…by friendships and
acceptance within social groups.
- I could quantify “funny”…by how often and
whether I made people laugh.
- I could quantify “talented”…by being cast in
plays, chorus, and orchestra.
- I could quantify “creative”….by the output of writing,
music, and crafts.
- I could quantify “attractive”…by the size of my
clothes, the number on the scale, and whether or not boys liked me.
- I could quantify “successful”….by promotions, good
reviews, and my parents’ response to me.
- I could quantify “responsible”….by living within
my means and a good credit score.
- I could quantify “optimistic”…by the number of
terrible situations I managed to overcome without (letting anyone know I was)
collapsing.
I’ve spent the last 35-40 years constructing an elaborate
tally sheet of my life. I’ve
automatically used it every single day to determine my self-worth. Am I doing well? Let’s check the list! Survey says…
The problem with this approach, of course, is that it’s bullshit. The tally sheet is focused around
externalities. It relies on a feedback
loop. It hinges on the assessment of
others…which means I’ve been linking my
value to their journey (which is
crazy). You know that person who says
“It’s not you, it’s me”? There’s
actually truth in that. The way we
respond to others is a reflection of where we are within ourselves…often much more so than anything relating to the
person we’re responding to. I know this
to be true because I’ve experienced it: I
get more frustrated with the Monkey when I feel yucky – not because he
is particularly more or less frustrating.
He could be perfectly constant, but my response changes because of where
I am…what I’m feeling.
So the tally system is a recipe for disaster. It puts me in a world in which my opinion of
myself is intrinsically linked to how I’m evaluated by others…an evaluation
that, at any given moment, may have nothing to do with me. It’s a house of cards…and it’s come crashing
down on more than one occasion. For
years, I’ve let my sense of self-worth diminish because I was convinced that I
was getting a bad score in my own life.
But what if life isn’t intended to be a score card? What if my value can be rooted simply in the
existence of those things that make me who I am? What if I could continue to embody all of
those attributes on my list (smart, nice, funny, creative, optimistic, etc…) without the running tally….without the need for scorekeeping…without the external assessment? What if I just accepted, fully embraced, that
my value is intrinsically linked to who I am…that it is grounded in the unique
alchemy of heart and mind and body and spirit that makes me, me.
What if all I need to
do is accept myself?
Acceptance is the great equalizer
that stops the roller coaster of externalities.
Acceptance brings a quiet acknowledgement that negates the need for
tally sheets and score cards and comparative living. I am always
perfect and I am always flawed. I am
equally as perfect and as flawed when I achieve as I am when I fail. (Let me
say that again: I am equally as perfect and as flawed when I achieve as I am when I
fail). I am smart when I know the
answer and exactly as smart when I
don’t. I am beautiful when I am loved
by another and beautiful when only I love me.
I can embrace the joyful complexity of who I am…the improbable odds of
my very existence in this particular configuration in this place and time…for
the simple miracle that it is. I can let
go of the need to have that existence validated.
And it’s not about ego. Acceptance doesn’t mean I get a free pass to
be a jerk simply because I exist. I
still have a responsibility to contribute to the world around me. Acceptance just means that my contribution
can emanate from a place of understanding, gratitude, and authenticity, rather
than from some (false) competitive requirement to be named valedictorian of my
own life (spoiler alert: the size of the
graduating class is one…so I’m pretty much a shoe-in for graduating both first
and last simultaneously). Absent the misguided attempts at scoring, contribution
becomes a joyful opportunity rather than a rung on a mythical ladder to nowhere.
Honestly, I feel a little foolish that it’s taken me this
long to recognize such a simple truth. My
instinct, of course, is to berate myself with a lower grade (because shouldn’t
I have known? Shouldn’t this have been obvious?), but that doesn’t seem particularly useful anymore. Instead, I’m just going to be grateful, take
a deep breath, and appreciate how amazing my life will be when I’m not keeping
score at all.